Sunday, June 6, 2010

:: twenty minutes more ::

[ image: sometimes, a photo by erin tyner. if you haven't seen erin's work, you're missing out. i so totally love her photographs. for more ET goodness, see her flickr photostream. ]

so here i am. sunday afternoon in a house all to myself with nothing but time to work and work to do.

but i'm blogging.

because i'm feeling so discouraged and overwhelmed.

and i'm hoping that maybe blogging will help me feel better so i can just get the heck on with things.

life is crazy right now. if you follow me on facebook or twitter you've probably caught snippets of the insanity. brian's working in a new court (a step up the ADA ladder) and he's on intake right now, which means that all non-felonies in the city go through him. translation: 13-15 hour days. alternate translation: work-at-home-mommy HELL.

plus there was the accident, and evan's almost three and um, yeah, three is so much worse than two.

i don't have the time to accomplish even 3% of the things i need/want to accomplish and i just feel so frustrated. i'm turning away clients i'd really love to take on, i'm struggling to find the time to print and photograph and list my whole big set of new wedding designs (i have found the time to design them over the last five months). i don't have a nanny yet, which means i haven't been able to hire an intern. i had such high hopes for this spring and here i am watching spring turn to summer and i just wonder how to keep it all up.

i have even considered closing up shop for the summer or something, which brian vetoed sternly, but it's so frustrating not being able to do things the way i want to.

like this wedding thing. for five months i've been planning the new line, designing the invitations, planning how to make the launch a big splash that will attract attention. i've been wanting to make this video and to make the blog rounds with some giveaways. i have a very specific list of tasks that need to be accomplished and i just. can't. get them. done.

i'm losing momentum.

i really don't like losing momentum.

my brain feels about like my attic studio looks, which is like a tornado swept through town and blew open my windows/ears and scattered my belongings/thoughts. in order to print i have to stretch a USB cable across the room to my computer so that i either have to fosbury-flop over it or pee-wee-herman under it to move about the attic. i want to take the time to get it organized but that really honestly would require closing the shop for a few weeks.

bitch bitch bitch.

moan moan moan.

so yeah. that's where i am. and now that i just spent twenty minutes writing this supposedly cathartic and clarifying blog post, all i feel is twenty minutes more crunched for time.

oh well.


Pretty Neat Designs June 6, 2010 at 1:18 PM  

Oh man, I feel your pain! I wish I had a magic andwer, but all I can offer is the invitation for you to keep bitching and moaning because although it was 20 minutes spent, it probably was worth it to get it out. And you do great work, so just do what you can when you can and maybe let go of the high expectations just temporarily. No help at all, huh.

krista - urbanite jewelry June 6, 2010 at 2:01 PM  

I've been trying to photograph & release a bridal line for months and months, it seems--but so many things keep getting in the way. I know how you feel!

We're planning & producing a craft show in less than 3 weeks and it just seems to be taking over and consuming my life. C'est la vie, I suppose!

I know things are incredibly tough right now, but the more I get into this entreprenuership thing, the more I realize that it's a big roller coaster with lots of ups and downs, curves and other scary things. Right now is a big scary hill for you, but things will get better & it will all sort itself out. You're moving forward (even if it feels really slow), and that's all that matters.

You do brilliant work and you're a brilliant blogger as well--everything will fall into place! Promise! ;)

Bego June 6, 2010 at 2:08 PM  

hang on in there! there's always calm after the storm.
i've been like that for the past 4 months and i discovered that setting small aims for the day was the best option because at least i felt i had accomplished something. the aims were simple, sort of "returning a call, tidying this corner of the house, getting two pages of a report written down, etc". maybe it would work for you as well and will help you deal with frustration. frustration is terrible, it blocks your brain and you can do even less than before. i'm sure you know.
hope things will get better soon.

julie green June 6, 2010 at 9:12 PM  

aw, you guys really did spur me onward this afternoon. thanks for all the encouragement in your comments (and emails for those of you who emailed me directly). i really appreciate it.

thanks to you i'm making some headway.

or since it's small, maybe let's call it "strand-of-hair-way" instead of headway.

Erin June 7, 2010 at 2:54 PM  

Hi Julie,
I discovered your blog a couple months ago, and I have to say, the similarities between us are frightening. I, too, am a stay at home mom with two little ones, trying to run a freelance design business at the same time. I'm also married to a lawyer named Brian! When I read your posts, I sometimes feel like I'm reading my own thoughts. I really feel your frustration. And the guilt! Oh, the guilt! Anyway, the reason I haven't written you a little note yet is that I haven't had any words of encouragement or uplifting thoughts. I'm simply in the same situation... feeling like the world is my oyster, if I could just get to it! I guess I'm writing now to let you know that I totally hear you, and that you aren't alone. Thank you so much for your blog, it makes me feel better to know that there are other creatives out there going through this same phase. It IS just a phase...

nichole June 7, 2010 at 4:27 PM  

Man. This was me right when Alexander was 3 and Liam was a baby. Three is HELL. It was impossible to get anything done with the two of them at home. The oldest whined while the youngest screamed and nursed. Ugh.

I realized I was about to lose what was left of my mind, and I enrolled Alexander in school and hired a sitter. It was such a relief, and I had wondered why it took me so long to do it. I didn't want to spend the money at first (and we honestly didn't really have it), but I found that once I had them out of the house, I was way more productive with my time and took on more clients (copywriting).

It was a pain to get into the swing of things, but once the sitter was established and knew the routine, I was so thankful I had taken the plunge.

Good luck. And when all else fails, have a mojito.

LLH Designs June 8, 2010 at 1:05 AM  

Give yourself some grace...and maybe I can offer you a little perspective. I started my business in 2004 with a toddler and a baby (like you!), but it wasn't until BOTH were in school all day (kinder and 2nd grade) that I could do what I really wanted to do in my business...and even now I struggle to find enough time. You have plenty of talent and drive...and those things will be there in a few years. These days of little ones won't be. That's where giving yourself grace comes in...grace to do only a fraction of what you imagine you could do, grace to say no when your plate is full, grace to take the summer off (I do...July & August), grace to be a mommy to your precious little ones, grace to be in the moment. I promise...your creativity and drive and productivity will have their chance to shine on the other end of this grace period! Best wishes...Linsey