i'm feeling pretty great these last couple of weeks. i'm feeling pretty much like myself. evan's twoness is trying at times, of course, and i can't stop thinking about houses, but i'm handling it a-ok. i'm so glad about that.
all of this was confirmed for me yesterday when i met with my new therapist. she's a social worker i'm going to meet with once a month or so as needed until the baby comes. we're working on a prevention plan.
anyway, it was our first meeting and as we talked about my life a year ago when i was in crisis and my life now, i just realized how different things are. with my life. with me. with my ability to cope. with my inner turmoil. i told her about leaving my ph.d. program. i told her about moving home. i told her about house hunting. i told her about the second baby. i told her about joining the mommy group. and i felt so powerful. i felt so empowered is maybe the better way to say it. i felt like yeah, sure, stressors will always be stressors. yeah, sure, there'll be bad days. yeah, sure, having a two year old and being pregnant with another is both exhausting and sometimes scary. but i'm ahead of it. i have learned to sit out here in front of it and assess it. watch it. stay on top of it. keep it from getting too big or too scary or too hard to talk about. i have learned that putting off decisions i know i'm going to make anyway only makes me more miserable.
i did tell her about my new-found over-attention to my moods and reactions, and she said it's probably not such a bad thing but that maybe i should try to keep the obsessive self-reflection to once a week. one day when i take a few minutes to review the week and think about how it went. and i'm okay with trying that.
as for the prevention plan, she also recommended carving out more time for me-just-me. i admitted that i spend all my supposed me-time now doing work for the shop, and she challenged me to try to find some time each day when i can do something that's not mothering and not wife-ing and decidedly not working.
we'll see how that goes. i know something'll have to give somewhere to make this happen. wish it could be eating oreos that i could give up, but oreos and pregnancy are just two things that go together in this body of mine. i actually dreamt about them during my nap yesterday.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009