from camil tulcan's photostream, and available in the EPP creative commons group
what i resent most about the postpartum depression, the zoloft, coming off the zoloft, is that i have lost my sense of normal. not society-normal but me-normal. i have lost my inner compass. furthermore, i have developed an attendant need to second-guess every single emotion that flits through my poor, confused, hormonal brain.
i resent that i can't really tell how i'm doing right now. i'm moody, which i usually am not, but i'm also pregnant, which i also am usually not. so am i okay? am i not okay? and am i supposed to always feel okay? because i'm positive i didn't always feel okay before; i'm positive i often felt sad or confused or indignant. i'm positive i used to feel a frequent sense of, what? twenty-something angst?
i'm also positive that i was starting to outgrow that.
something inside me is saying, "hey, lady, you might not be doing so great right now" but then something inside me is also saying, "but hey! wait! who said you'd always be doing great?"
i do know that i'm not doing as well as i was a few months ago, but i also know that my life has changed a lot in the interim. is it fair to expect that i would still be feeling the same?
i thought i would know right away if i needed to go back on the zoloft or if i needed to talk to brian so that he could tell me to go back on the zoloft. i thought i'd know if i was feeling good or bad. but instead i'm feeling everything. i'm good and bad. i'm confused and scared and resentful. sometimes. and i'm stressed out. sometimes. we have two months until we're leaving my mom's house and we still haven't sold the condo in ohio. i know it's normal to be stressed out, but is my reaction to the stress normal? me-normal? am i coping okay? i don't freaking know.
i thought i would know.