Wednesday, June 17, 2009

:: :: things i know and don't know :: ::

from camil tulcan's photostream, and available in the EPP creative commons group

what i resent most about the postpartum depression, the zoloft, coming off the zoloft, is that i have lost my sense of normal. not society-normal but me-normal. i have lost my inner compass. furthermore, i have developed an attendant need to second-guess every single emotion that flits through my poor, confused, hormonal brain.

i resent that i can't really tell how i'm doing right now. i'm moody, which i usually am not, but i'm also pregnant, which i also am usually not. so am i okay? am i not okay? and am i supposed to always feel okay? because i'm positive i didn't always feel okay before; i'm positive i often felt sad or confused or indignant. i'm positive i used to feel a frequent sense of, what? twenty-something angst?

i'm also positive that i was starting to outgrow that.

something inside me is saying, "hey, lady, you might not be doing so great right now" but then something inside me is also saying, "but hey! wait! who said you'd always be doing great?"

i do know that i'm not doing as well as i was a few months ago, but i also know that my life has changed a lot in the interim. is it fair to expect that i would still be feeling the same?

i thought i would know right away if i needed to go back on the zoloft or if i needed to talk to brian so that he could tell me to go back on the zoloft. i thought i'd know if i was feeling good or bad. but instead i'm feeling everything. i'm good and bad. i'm confused and scared and resentful. sometimes. and i'm stressed out. sometimes. we have two months until we're leaving my mom's house and we still haven't sold the condo in ohio. i know it's normal to be stressed out, but is my reaction to the stress normal? me-normal? am i coping okay? i don't freaking know.

i thought i would know.


caroline June 18, 2009 at 8:29 AM  

hi julie. had to comment because i could identify so easily with what you are describing. it's not like me to share this stuff but here it is in a nutshell...i have been taking wellbutrin for about 4 years. from right before i got pregnant with my son, through the pregnancy, and breastfeeding for a year. i used a midwife and had no drugs during labor. i always struggled with depression and it was a tough decision to stay on the drug while pregnant -- especially since i am a chronic worrier and was afraid of something happening to my baby. BUT i was advised by the midwives and my doctor to stick with it since a depressed mommy would be no good to a little baby. in the end i did stay on it, and everything turned out fine. eli was a very healthy baby and continues to be a healthy, perfect, adorable little boy. i continue to be moody but it's manageable and not dark and gloomy. you do what is best for you and make the best decisions you can, and you never know for sure what the right answer is. i think your personal decision to go off the drug was courageous. but it wouldn't be a horrible decision to go back on it. the thing is you'll probably never know what to do. i don't know if this help at all but at the very least, know you are not alone in what you are feeling. best wishes to you!

julie green June 18, 2009 at 8:36 AM  

thanks, caroline. it just seems to strange to me how little i feel i know myself these days. i don't think i used to second guess every little thing. but then again, did i? : )

Isk8Jewel (~Julie~) June 18, 2009 at 9:17 AM  

I agree, you're not alone. That's probably the only "sure" thing about PPD. I've had some similar emotions lately and it's frustrating for sure.