Friday, September 24, 2010

:: de-scarifying the scary thoughts ::

i get a lot of questions about how up front and open and honest i am here on the blog. i know this is a business-linked blog, but i have never thought of it as a business-specific blog. it's a blog about my thoughts and worries and all, and it just so happens that much of what i think and worry about now is my business.

but this was a blog long before up up creative was a business. it has been a blog that has helped me through a lot - through grad school, through new-motherhood, through postpartum depression, through leaving my phd program after six years in, through moving home...

the thing is, i need to be up front and open and honest here because in "real life" i'm pretty guarded. but even more than that, i need to be up front and open and honest here because one of my biggest fears is that i'm the only person who feels the way i feel about things. like that i'm the only one who loves her children so so so much and who loves being their mom but who really dreads the day-to-day tedium of parenting. it scares me that i might be the only person who feels like that, and yet the rational part of my brain knows that probably most moms feel like that, and i need there to be people out in the world who are willing to admit it.

and if i'm one of the people then maybe some of those other people will come find me and we can admit those things together.

i also need to know that there are other proprietors of indie businesses out there struggling to figure out how to make this whole life-as-the-proprietor-of-an-indie-biz thing work. i need to know that there are other people who obsess about things like profit and branding. i need to know that it's possible to succeed and i need to know that we all think this is so so so hard.

when i'm sitting in my living room on a saturday afternoon, with two kids demanding my attention and a husband on the roof doing roof-fixy things and 45 greeting cards to photograph and list in my shop, and when i realize that i want to cry really really hard because sitting in my living room on a saturday afternoon under these specific circumstances sucks and is hard and isn't at all what i want to be doing, i just need to tell someone else that this is what real life looks like and i need to know that other people's real lives look like this, too.

i love it that lots of my favorite bloggers prefer to focus on the good in their days, and i don't by any means want to be the one who always harps on the bad things. in fact, i think that being honest and open and up front here on the blog means that i have to be as willing to be positive as i am willing to be scared, frustrated, or otherwise negative.

i spend a lot of time trying to step far enough back to take in the big picture. it's the way that i cope and it's the way that i create what i hope are balanced, fair depictions of my life. of life in general.

i got to thinking about all of this because last night i sat on my son's floor, his three-days-into-preschool-cold keeping him awake, and i just felt plagued by all these thoughts that seem too horrible to share: things like how maybe i work so hard to avoid my life, or how i really just wish my husband could stay home all day long, too, because then maybe it would seem easier doing this whole stay-at-home thing. or things like how sometimes i just wish wish wish i could go back to a life in which there was no one other than me-just-me who would keep me awake in the middle of the night. of course back then i kept myself up plenty, insomniac that i used to be. at least now that i have kids i get more sleep.

maybe.

the only way i could go to sleep last night was to promise myself to share a few of those things today. to open up a bit so that the thoughts don't have to feel so scary. i hope that my own scary thoughts help you see that yours aren't so scary either, and that you're not alone in them.

-- julie

Comments (20)

Loading... Logging you in...
  • Logged in as
Your thoughts aren't that scary. :) I mean, I'm not minimizing them, I'm just saying that we ALL have them, and things are less scary when you're experiencing them with friends, right?

I was at Paper Source yesterday getting ideas and envelopes :) and I saw a card that said, "When your kids act bratty, people secretly like you better." I should make a card that says, "When you admit that you're a big huge mess and don't know what you're doing, people secretly like you better and feel more comfortable around you, and more open-hearted." Okay, it's not too catchy, but it's true. Since I opened up about my struggle with infertility I've been overwhelmed with e-mails from people thanking me, supporting me, saying they're thinking of and praying for me.

Transparency may not be easy, but it is really so much better, so important, and I'm proud of you for doing it. :) {{hugs!}}
My favorite thing about your blog is the mix of shop/design info and real life thoughts and feelings. Even came here and looked through the archives when I was struggling with depression as a side affect to lyme medications this summer. :-)
julie, i've been sitting here for 10 minutes writing and rewriting this comment. but in the end, i think what i want to say is simply thanks for sharing, you're not alone, and you're doing great. you're not the only person with doubts and fears, but you're creating so much and having successes in spite of that; that's what's important and why i keep coming back to your blog. :)
THANK YOU for sharing. Thank you. Business is hard, super hard, even when you're successful at it in every way the world defines success. Finding out what works and what doesn't work is a battle, and when you've got the so-called "perfect" job, it puts a lot of pressure on you not to feel like "wow, there are parts of this that really suck."

Because there are. Not that we can't change them and figure out new ways of doing things, but it takes time and tweaking and making hard decisions. We have to battle with ourselves daily because our businesses ARE ourselves.

Anyway, I am one of those who feels like I'm often being too transparent, and then I think "am I the only one who feels this way?" But of course I'm not. It IS extremely encouraging to hear the truth being spoken; when the truth is happy and gleeful or when it's sad and anxious.
It is an incredible gift to people, to share your scary thoughts. Because you are right, other people need that, and then they can be allowed to feel scared too.

As someone who had been a blissfully and intentionally solo adventurer for 12 years, I have in the past 3 years fallen in love, gotten married, started a new business, am currently expecting, and then am expected to still run a business once our cub has arrived. You are an inspiration because you have proven it is possible to survive so much change, while still searching and evolving. I'm hoping for survival much more than anything else.

A friend once asked me what I thought one should aim for in life, and I responded, "I dunno, happiness?" He said "I think it should be purpose and meaning". Brilliant.
I'm right there with you. When I started blogging I was much more transparent. But as my business grew I started to pull back. I was self conscious. I was worried that if I didn't look like I had things pulled together, then no one would want to buy from me. I still struggle to find a balance, in blogging and life.

I had a chat the other day with my sister about how blogs generally only post good/beautiful/happy things. There aren't photos of dirty laundry and mounds of dog hair. They're escapist. They're like Martha Stewart. But truthfully, I'm much more interested in the honest blogs, where I know that I could be friends with someone on a non-superficial level. I also like knowing that other business owners go through the same thing. That emails pile up, that we work 15-hour days for very little money, that our friends can watch all the tv they want but we can't make time for an hour a week without folding cards or designing on the laptop.

Thanks for sharing so much!
I just want to give you a big hug because you are not alone.
My scary thoughts always emerge late at night. Often they're exaggerated versions of daytime frustrations. Very similar to the thoughts you described experiencing while sitting up with your son. I tend to indulge them a little. Bring it on. Get them out there without really trying to resolve them right away. That's for daytime, when I have the energy and the full picture perspective. You're not alone, Julie. I think you have so much courage and integrity. And that's worth blogging about.
erin walsh's avatar

erin walsh · 755 weeks ago

thank you for sharing. so many of us share your feelings and frustrations and joys. putting it out in the open is what helps me.
Like you, I'm also pretty guarded in real life. I don't want others to see the challenges I experience on a daily basis -- and, in my ways, my life is more challenging that other people's (but I won't go into that right now). I'm a perfectionist, and I'm often putting on a show. My blog, for the most part, has been a reflection of that. But as I've been doing some soul searching, I've started to wonder what would happen if I just laid it all out there -- in life and on my blog. Would people be turned off? Or would they be interested in my story, in who I really am? Could they relate to me? There is too much "perfection" in the blog world -- or perceived perfection -- and all those perfect lives kinda make me hate myself a little bit. I wish people would be more honest like you are. Maybe I need to be, too.
Honesty is a gift. Thanks for saying it like it is. I know it makes me feel better, hope it does you too.
Ah, Julie, this post is another reason why I love your blog and am so happy I stumbled on it those many months ago.__Thank you for your effort to de-scarify the scary thoughts – reading your take has made me more able to articulate mine. __You wrote about, so I did, and now I feel better. Thank you. :)
right there with you in creating a successful indie biz with one kid instead of 2 ... but with lots of similar side effects of it all!
geez. that makes so little sense. see, i'm trying to put my child to bed as i type!

the point is, i'm cheering for you!
Sometimes I wear grumpy pants for days and I am usually reluctant to blog on those days because I feel like I am supposed to be happy and cheerful and peppy and not whiny and bitchy. But this week I said screw it and just blogged about being grumpy. Because if my blog is a reflection of me it should reflect all of it, not just the watered down version. I like reading about the real stuff. Have a good night.
1 reply · active less than 1 minute ago
You're funny, Cindy. Glad I inspired you to blog your grumps.�

Julie Green
Up Up Creative

my shop :: <a href="http://shop.upupcreative.com
http://shop.upupcreative.com<br />my blog :: http://upupcreative.blogspot.com
No, you're not alone. I've felt a lot of these things myself! A big hug to you.
I think your struggles are very common for lots of women. I was fortunate to be able to be "just" a stay-at-home mom while my kids were growing up, although that came with its own challenges. Now that I am older (just turned 50) I am wondering what the heck I'm going to do with my life and wish I had been doing some sort of work while the kids were growing. The point is that there are only so many hours in each day and we can't do EVERYTHING well. We can only be stretched so far each day. We're human, right? I think its great that you share your "scary" thoughts. They aren't so scary once you share them.
Your words mean a lot to me as a business starter-upper myself and a new mom who just bought a house. YES, we definitely all feel this way. I have often wondered if I should link my personal blog to my business for the reasons you described, everyone is so cheerful and clean in their design blogs, but how on earth could I manage a business-linked blog in addition to everything else?? and how can I keep my personal blog so squeaky clean so as not to scare off potential customers who think I can't keep up. I totally resonated with the uploading of the photos, such a time sucker...the main reason my etsy page is not up and running yet.

I appreciate your words, your honesty. It is really hard. but it takes a lot of courage to start a business, and that same spirit will carry you through. Somehow we will find a balance as we follow our dreams and we will raise our families. I say it's better to be living the fullness of life than to just be watching it pass you by. I hope you are feeling better, and focusing on the positive. Keep up the good work!
-Jess http://www.7layerdesigns.com http://athometoday.wordpress.com/
I have enjoyed your blog for about a year or so and bought one of your cards to tell my husband that I was pregnant with our second son. I love supporting people in the indie business! I am just beginning one myself and look to you for support and ideas. Thank you so much for being a voice for others! Your babies are adorable and I have felt the same way as you. I love being their mommy but some days it IS JUST SO EXHAUSTING! Keep up the great work! I will keep following you and telling people about you. When you put that much light and love into the world, you are bound to receive it ten fold!

Post a new comment

Comments by