Monday, January 18, 2010

:: ants are to thoughts as... ::

{ from nellee100's flickr photostream. also featured in my creative commons pool. }

it's not often i say this, but i'm feeling a bit at a loss for words lately. i've got lots of thoughts marching through my brain like an ant army marching through its farm, but they're struggling to find their way out.

last week was my first week home with both kids all week (brian's time off from work had to end sometime, i guess, whether i wanted it to or not). it went fine and all, but it left me feeling sort of unfine and i can't really figure out what to do about that. i think my brain power is being so diverted to that task that i'm having a bit of trouble coming up with words and all.

me, the wordiest of wordy girls. it's strange.

its nice having you here, though. something about the act of sitting here at the computer to try to come up with something to say to you helps coax a few words out here and there. makes me feel a little bit more normal.


Angela6147 January 18, 2010 at 11:26 PM  

Hi Julie! My name is Angela, and I just placed an order from your lovely Etsy shop the other day. I told you at checkout how much I admire you and love your blog, but am just too lazy or tired to post comments. Well, I wanted to break my lazy spell this evening in hopes of encouraging you a bit.

You are wildly talented. And oh so brave to stop your dissertation when you decided it wasn't good to keep pursuing it.

But you know what? Something particular stuck out at me when I read one of your blog entries. This "something" (which I will reference in a second) struck me to the very core and gave me confidence and has helped jump start the end of this crazy long spell of maddening depression.

My biggest fear/guilt in life is that I am a lousy mom. Nevermind that I pour 99% of my passion into this little 4 year old boy of mine. Nevermind that I sing and dance with him every single day, or give his boo-boos "magic kisses" that have turned his boo-boos into deep belly laughs every single time. Or that I create a treasure map every Thursday and send him on a scavenger hunt for chocolate pirate coins. No, no matter what I do, I am never enough. But no one is telling me that but ME!

You know the day that I started silencing that yucky voice that made me crumple on my bed in tears every single day? The day that things started turning around for me is when I read this blog entry you posted.

The kind of parents we are:

It gave me such peace. I like the kind of mommy you are. And I like the kind of mommy I am, too. That confidence is helping me to take a deep breath and relax and start pouring more passion back into the things that I love and make me feel sane. And, guess what? There's still enough passion left for Ringo (my son) and Jeff (my husband). And now they are getting the best version of me. Not the exhausted, depressed, insecure version. I love how, even in the crazy world that is mommy-hood, you still pursue your passions and crank out this beautiful work. Keep it up!!!

You are a neat woman! You are a fabulous mommy and wife. Tell yourself that every day. I know that it's easier said that done, because I still have about as many bad days as I have good ones, but that's a huge improvement for me. My theory is that it takes about 4 good thoughts to cancel the one negative thought. I will try to be better about commenting on your blog to remind you why you should keep pushing forward. I encourage you to continue being honest and letting your readers know how you're doing on good and bad days, even if it feels too raw. Not only for your benefit, but for the benefit of others who are suffering silently. Remember, a single post of yours started to help me see more clearly.

Just probably have tons of silent fans out there, just like me. I hope this encourages you!

Please forgive any grammatical/ spelling errors. It's way past my bedtime and my mind is in a fog.

Cricket January 21, 2010 at 7:14 PM  

I can't say it any better than Angela did. Your "the kind of parents we are" post was one of the first I read, and it made me stick around. It isn't easy being a mom. It isn't easy trying to keep some of you - hell, if you even know who 'you' are. I'm not sure I know me very well, and after six years of this parenthood thing, I think am falling further behind.

I just want to say that it is really, really hard at first being with two. My older daughter is autistic, and there were many (many, many...) days I just wanted to shoot myself. But the good news is - it gets better. Slowly.

I think it is hard for creative types, especially, to find a happy balance of give and - not give. And they're our *kids*. How can we not give them everything they are?

Try to make a little time for you. Even if it is just a little. A little isn't good enough, but it will give you practice.

Thanks for your words. Even when you don't have many of them.

And forgive me, too, if this is nonsensical. It is past kids bedtime, and I am hiding in my room with a glass of wine. You know, just practicing.

julie green January 23, 2010 at 8:52 AM  

i am totally overwhelmed by how kind and helpful your comments are, ladies.

and i LOVE the idea of practicing. i'm glad you got a few moments of practice with my blog and some wine. sounds lovely.