Tuesday, November 6, 2007

:: BlogOn: Apply Directly to the Blog! ::

When I was a kid, TV prescription drug ads didn’t exist. There were no celebrity endorsements of osteoporosis medicines, no political endorsements for erectile dysfunction pills. All we had were these extremely vague commercials for Rogaine with Minoxidil in which there would be pictures of people doing things and an announcer telling you to talk to your doctor about Rogaine with Minoxidil.


I asked my mom so many times what Rogaine with Minoxidil was but she had no idea.


Finally, we called the 800 number and asked, but they wouldn’t tell us over the phone. Roagine with Minoxidil was, apparently to us at the time, tippy-top secret medicine probably used to treat really really bad diseases.


Now, of course, we know that Rogaine (plain old “Rogaine” for men, “Rogaine with Minoxidil” for women) is for hair loss. We also know from Rogaine ads (and their website) that “you should not use Rogaine if: your degree of hair loss is more than that shown on the side of the carton, because this product may not work for you; you have no family history of hair loss; your hair loss is sudden and/or patchy; you do not know the reason for your hair loss; you are under 18 years of age (do not use on babies and children); your scalp is red, inflamed, infected, irritated, or painful; you use other medicines on the scalp.”


The list goes on of course, and ends with the list all prescription ads seem to end with. The “stop use if” list that usually includes things like “stop use if you experience chest pain, faintness, or dizziness; sudden, unexplained weight gain or loss; swelling of the hands, feet, or eyelids. Stop use if babies start screaming whenever they see you or if you induce sneezing attacks in the people around you. By all means please stop using this product if any part of your body falls off, unless you are happy with the loss.”


And we all know the side effect lists that warn us that we may have watery stools, erections lasting four hours, difficulty breathing, oily farts. In the years since those initial Rogaine commercials, the drug industry has lost its modesty.


And yet somehow we have this:


HeadOn


In the commercials they play around here, this ad consists of this image (the woman applies HeadOn directly to her forehead) and a chorus of voices shouting, “HeadOn: Apply Directly to the Forehead! HeadOn: Apply Directly to the Forehead! HeadOn: Apply Directly to the Forehead!” End of commercial.


What the f**k???


I watch and watch this commercial for some mother-loving sign of what on God’s great green earth HeadOn is FOR, but all I get is this mantra, spoken by a chorus of individuals who apparently want me to apply Head On directly to my forehead.


I wish I could find out how their sales are because I’m seriously considering my own series of commercial products:


How about Foot Wrap: Wrap Right Around the Foot!


Tomato Rub: Rub Directly On Tomatoes!


Hop Skip: Hop and Then Skip!


Nose Shove: Shove This Up Your Nose!


Lick Stick: Lick This With Your Tongue!


And finally, maybe Spray On: Spray This On, But Never Off!


(A note for those who are as tortured as I am: according to Wikipedia, my favorite experts in random stuff, “HeadOn is a topical product intended for headache relief, produced by Miralus Healthcare, which claims it is a homeopathic remedy.[1] Although intended uses are not listed on the website or in the commercial spot, the implicit purpose of the product is to reduce discomfort caused by headaches.”)

4 comments:

genevieve November 6, 2007 at 9:08 AM  

That was the best laugh I've had in days. Thanks!

bubandpie November 6, 2007 at 4:06 PM  

I laughed so hard at this one.

the new girl November 12, 2007 at 4:12 PM  

This is a good one.
Very funny.

Mary G November 13, 2007 at 4:52 PM  

I must get me some of that! But do get your products on the market fast!

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