Wednesday, July 4, 2007

:: Mommy Versus Non-Mommy: Two Selves Battle ::

Before Evan arrived, I had decided that I wouldn’t let us be all alone and tied to the house. I’d have mommy-baby classes for us to go to, daily park outings, and visitors galore. Now here we are nine days in and I can see how easily I will fall into the trap of sitting here at home all day everyday with Evan if I’m not careful. I want so badly for him to eat and sleep on schedule, to keep a routine that doesn’t make him overtired. I want to make his life exactly what it needs to be that it just seems so much better to stay home. Going out is hard. It takes time, planning, energy. It requires me to be ready and Evan to be ready. And it requires figuring out exactly when Evan will need to eat again, whether going out will disrupt his sleep patterns and how to accommodate for that, etc. Honestly, going out feels really selfish when I know that Evan just needs food and sleep during these early months as a baby in the world.

But today we’re all embarking on an outing to Easton Town Center, the big outdoor mall about ten miles away from here. Kate and mom need to go to some of the stores we have that they don’t, and Brian suggested that it might be a nice outing for me, too – a relaxing way to get out of the house and spend some time outdoors. I’m still recovering, but a short walk might be nice. And Bri said he’d take care of Evan in the stroller so that I could relax.

It sounds so nice, and the non-mommy part of me is psyched, showered, and ready to go. But the mommy part of me is thinking, “Enh, why not just stay here.” A statement, not a question. “I can lay on the couch and relax while Evan sleeps in his bassinet.” But because the non-mommy part of me knows it’s important not to let the mommy part take over entirely, especially when Brian’s right – Evan will sleep in the stroller the whole time and I can feed him there if I need to but I probably won’t even have to. I’m so glad that he’s going to have four weeks’ paternity leave beginning next Monday so that he can help me establish good habits and not just hole up in here where life is relatively “easy.” It’s good to have him around.