Saturday, July 11, 2009

:: can't get over ::

there was an episode of grey's anatomy, i think it was, that featured a woman who'd had four heart attacks (or something) on the exact same date over the course of many years. turns out it was the date that her next door neighbor slash secret lover of years had died. she had never realized the correlation or the significance until her seattle grace doc pointed it out to her.

amazing what the body remembers even when the brain does its very best to forget.

and then there's me. i am the keeper of dates. i'm the rememberer of events past. and it's not really a cognitive thing. i actually easily forget birthdays and other dates like which five days brian is going to be out of town in august. it's more like i have a special center in my brain that is in charge of keeping ties to my own emotional past.

and usually the way that center files emotional data is by date.

i remember the date of my first kiss ever (february 7th, 1991) and can faithfully reconstruct on a mental calendar the entire beginning of my relationship with brian from the days of our first dates to the night he finally kissed me to the first time i ever saw him naked. on june 29th of this year i had the nagging feeling that the date was significant and i eventually remembered that it was at one point evan's due date (that was later changed to july 4th, he was born june 25th).

so it astounds me that i somehow missed a huge anniversary.

if you follow me on twitter you know that on tuesday morning i woke up to pee (damn pregnant uterus) at 3:26 and never did fall back asleep. at 5 a.m. i finally got up. at 6:30, just before the house started waking, i was suddenly and forcefully ill.

it lasted through the day, growing worse as the day grew longer. thankfully evan was with his grandparents because i felt horrible. at times i found myself inexplicably sobbing in between bouts of getting sick.

at 6:00 at night, i had to start packing us up for a trip to the adirondacks the next day, and somehow i remained well enough all night to get the laundry done and the clothing packed. i got my orders ready to send out in the morning.

in the midst of all the busy-ness, i realized: it was july 7th. the day of my total breakdown last year. the day i stood crying in the kitchen of our ohio condo and told brian i needed my mommy. the day my mom hopped in her car and drove 400 miles to help me. the day i saw my doctor, started on antidepressants. the day i found myself gripped with fear: of the shower, of taking walks, of lying on my right side.

i know i'm doing so much better and all but jeez. how in EARTH could i have missed this anniversary? how could i not have anticipated it the way i anticipate other "bad" date memories? how could i not have prepared myself for how i might feel on july 7th.

in the days since i sort of find myself reeling a bit, trying to get my feet back under me. trying to figure out how i feel about what happened this week. trying to reflect, maybe. trying to figure out how a date passing can leave me in this memory hangover, sitting here feeling like something inside me is different than it was on monday before the big bad anniversary snuck up on me.

our bodies and minds astound me. i can't get over how they work. i can't get over how inextricably linked they are.

and apparently i can't totally get over having forgotten this scary anniversary.