:: :: sad :: ::

i'm so sad to write this, but here it is: i'm not doing so great with the pregnancy so far. emotionally speaking, i mean. i know it's normal to feel all mood swingy but this isn't quite that.

i feel like six weeks of pregnancy has undone six months of feeling good. i'm not where i was last summer when the sky was falling and i was trapped beneath it, but i'm not myself.

i have a dread surge each morning like clockwork between 9:15 and 9:30. each morning the surge seems to be worse than the previous morning, and it makes no difference what i'm doing at the time. this morning i almost burst into tears in the middle of preschool gym play because i was feeling so horrible. all i wanted to do was call brian but i knew that if i did i would have the full-on public crying spree, and i didn't feel like going through that.

i have much more generalized dread throughout the afternoon, then i seem to be okay in the evening until right before bed when around 10:40 i feel like crying. by 11:00 i'm fine again, all peaceful and sleepy.

it's so strange. i feel like it's so beyond my control.

i think one of the hardest things is how physical it all is. pregnancy, depression, anxiety. they all make you feel like crap, which means sometimes you can't tell them apart. and i really don't want to associate pregnancy with anxiety.

i also really don't want this to just be the way i am now. i'm scared that something in my brain chemistry changed last year and that now it won't ever change back. i'm probably overstating the depression here. it's not so bad, but that it's bad at all just sucks so much. i didn't want this to happen. i feel completely out of control of my hormones and my emotions and that just makes me feel worse.

boo, hiss, and a pile of rotten tomatoes. for real.