:: On Happiness and Friendship ::

I've been sitting on this post for a few weeks. I think I wrote it sometime at the end of August but I haven't posted it because I'm not sure how I feel about it. I'm not sure I feel it's a true post, even though it felt very true when I was writing it.

I'm not sure if I am too hard on myself in this post, or too easy. Or if I come off the way I meant to, which was reflective rather than self-pitying.

But I've now been awarded a Nice Matters Award by Tere over at A Mom, A Blog, and the Life In-Between, and it got me thinking that now might be just the time to let this post see the light of day. Maybe it's the juxtaposition of an award for being friendly and nice with my own fears about the kind of friend I might be that makes it seem OK to hit "publish" on something that's been sitting permanently in "drafts."

But first:

The Nice Matters Award originated here and is meant to honor "those that are just nice people , good blog friends and those that inspire good feelings and inspiration! Those that care about others that are there to lend support or those that are just a positive influence in our blogging world!"The idea of the award is that once you receive it, you're supposed to pay it forward. So I'd like to do that here by recognizing some folks who inspire me, reassure me, and make me laugh:

Christina, at A Mommy Story

Stephania, over at CityMama

Julie, at Using My Words (formerly The Ravin' Picture Maven)

Kyran, at Notes to Self

Toni, at This Simple Life

Amanda, at SouleMama

Gabrielle, at Bub and Pie

So here, ladies, is your Nice Matters Award. And thanks, Tere, for mine.

And now, the post:

I’ve been reading Chronicles of Me and Jen Gray’s and Jen Lemen’s blogs lately and find myself both inspired and also a bit heartsick. These strong, beautiful women are teaching me, through their words, photographs, and paintings, about community, friendship, love, strength, and goodness. Positive energy radiates from my computer as I read these blogs. Contained within their “pages” are stories of self-organized all-girl retreats, guerilla art (read: sticking post-it notes with inspirational sayings in public places for people to discover), communities of women artists who support and encourage one another. It’s wonderful. And the images?! Gorgeous. The people in the photographs on these blogs look fulfilled and confident. Satisfied.

I know as well as anyone that how people look is not a true indicator of how they feel. I also know that how people write is not always the whole story, either. There may be pain, frustration, or anxiety behind the words these women blog. There might be fear or even anger lurking there.

But it doesn’t seem like it.

What it does seem like is that these women have figured out how to be happy with their lives and how to surround themselves with people who encourage rather than stifle that happiness.

Both Boho Girl and Jen Gray have recently written about the power of being able to choose one’s friends. Boho Girl writes, “I love that I have a choice in who I surround myself with and that they too celebrate that choice. It's empowering to spend your time with people that lift you up, deeply care for your heart, are consistent in who they are and take responsibility for their own happiness.”

This is the part that makes me a little bit heartsick. Because while I am beginning to make more friends, I am still very isolated. We all are, the three of us that make up this little family.

I’ve written before about how my own sense of humor is often quite cynical and, sometimes, downright mean. I’ve admitted that I crave attention and that the only way I know how to sustain someone’s attention is via negativity. You know: teasing, mocking.

Maybe the awful truth is that while I am able to take responsibility for my own happiness, I might actually be the person who stifles others’ happiness. God, that hurts to consider. But it might actually be true. I may have figured out how to make myself happy but I may not be the kind of friend who helps others feel good, too. Perhaps this is why I am not surrounded by a community of friends. I’ve been focusing on my own choices, and choosing to be alone rather than to be around friends with whom I don’t feel I can be myself. But maybe I also need to consider how to better be the kind of friend who lets others feel that they can be their own selves.

But maybe it’s not that I am a cruel, mean, awful friend who passes judgment and imposes impossible standards of friendship. Maybe it could be that I’m super shy. Sure, I may come across as confident and outgoing, usually because I can be funny and teasing, but once we get to the end of that façade, I kind of feel like I don’t know how to go further. I don’t know how to be your friend and so I probably don’t let you know how to be mine. I don’t know how to tell you what I want from this friendship so you don’t tell me what you want. I don’t know how to read you and probably am also not very readable.

How do I change these things? How do I keep this from feeling so scary? How do I be the kind of friend who makes you feel good about yourself without always having to be sappy? And, frankly, without letting you walk all over me? And can I still be funny? Cynical? How and when can I complain? Do I have to change in some way in order to open myself up to new friendships? When is it OK for me to be myself without making you think I won't be a good friend? Who can give me these answers? Can you?