:: You've Been Warned ::

I suck today. I am fatter than I was yesterday, uglier, stupider (see?), lazier, a worse mother, a crappier wife, a terrible driver. My hair is more drab and my teeth less white. My laundry isn't as clean. I am less able to cook than I was yesterday, and I wasn't even able to cook yesterday. My usual sparkle and shine have tarnished; I am ashy and black now. My students, poor souls, actually forgot things they knew as a result of my teaching today. Their writing is poorer and their grammar sloppier than it was.

And another thing: my lips are thinner than they were yesterday. Or maybe they're fatter. Which would be worse? I have also forgotten how to match in the last 24 hours. And how to spell. My breath is stinkier and my legs hairier. My feet have spread and are too wide for my shoes. My fridge is stickier, smellier, and emptier. Food tastes worse except for chocolate which only makes me fatter and more ornery.

I am meaner to dogs than I was yesterday. Small children, who yesterday might have found me funny and attentive, should stay far far away. Today I am more likely to stub my toe, burn myself, and eat children in a beefy stew.

You should watch out, Internet. Your association with me today will make you slower and more likely to lose your connection. You will be plagued by pop-ups that weren't plaguing you before. Your websites will appear differently in every single browser and none of them will look the way you designed them. Your links will dead-end suddenly. Your Google searches will turn up only irrelevant hits. You'll be the unwitting victim of a phishing scam and you will suddenly forget all of your usernames and passwords.

Yes, it's that kind of day. And for no apparent reason. At least you've been warned.